Heartbroken.. Angry.. Vulnerable.. 02:11 Jun 20 2016
Times Read: 490
I know all I seem to do is write depressing shit these past couple weeks/months.. but so is my life recently.
This weekend, has by far, been one of the most.. mind fucking, heartbreaking ones I've ever had.. For any of this to make sense I'm going to have to start from the beginning so I'd get a cup of Tea and a cushion because it's going to be a long one..
When I was 11/12, I was being bullied pretty bad at school for various reasons, and when I came home my parents and family as loving as they were just didn't understand.. they just didn't get it. Quite often I'd burst into tears over 'nothing', and I just felt like I couldn't breathe.. Until one day I was hiding in my bedroom when I saw an advert in the back on a magazine for a chat website for teenagers and so I went on it.. I'm not 100% comfortable saying the name because back in the day a lot of people used to use it and.. well, I dont want to take any risks exposing the person I'm going to talk about.. Don't worry it will make sense in a while.
Whilst on this site, I happened to find this Harry Potter themed room because it was back when it was all the rage.. cringe I know, but keep up with me. In this room I met this guy who was a year younger then me, he was also from England but lived quite a long way away from me, and we got to talking and he was just so.. charming, endearing, kind, loving, and just a really great guy.. He was also being picked on at school because he was really intelligent and preferred to read a book then be a reprobate, so we bonded over that. We talked every single night, and those few nights turned into years, the chat room turned into the old school portable microphones you used to have to plug into your computer tower with a USB haha..
Then one day, he sent me a picture of him, and he was just.. beautiful haha. Dark brown hair, crazy blue eyes, the most gorgeous smirk i'd literally ever seen. He then asked to see me, and at that time my self esteem was just rock bottom from all the bullying and like an idiot, I sent him a picture of one of my girlfriends. Bad I know, but I was only 13 and I never thought for one second he would ever feel the same way about me that I did him.
I felt like shit for lying to him but the way I saw it at that time, I'd never meet him and he only saw me as a friend so it didn't matter.. I had no clue what it would turn into eventually. One day when we were about.. 16/17, I had fallen completely head over heels in love with him, he had been there for me through everything, absolutely everything.. and I plucked up the courage to tell him how I felt, at this point he'd found out what I really looked like after one of my close friends sent him my picture without realizing and we started talking on webcam for a while, and at first he said he felt the same way and wanted to meet up. He then changed his mind and said me lying to him had hurt him, which was understandable, and that he didn't want to ruin our friendship.. so I was obviously left heart broken and things were never really the same after that..
We didn't really talk after that very much, he started dating these girls who were just awful, he turned really bitter and he started to have problems at home.. his parents broke up etc. It was rough on him and we just weren't as close as we used to be. He relied on drink a lot because you can drink here at 18, it was all just a mess. Then one day, he phoned me up drunk and said he missed me, that he wanted to see me and had booked train tickets to come see me in less then 2 days.. it was crazy. He came here, and we spent what felt like to me a really awkward day together.. he was super tall and sempt so different in person but I was still completely in love with him, despite having a boyfriend at the time.
His train was late going back, it departed at 8pm, and he didnt get back home till.. 2am or something crazy like that. I cried the whole way home after waving him bye on the platform it was awful.. I got home and my parents had said that if I could get hold of him, they would pick him up at the next station and he could have slept over till the morning so he wasn't travelling so late at night on his own, but I couldn't get a signal or get through to him in time so it never happened. That would of been a game changer people honestly..
He gets home, and he was so.. stand offish. He would barely speak to me, he was really cold, when he was here he said he wanted me to come see him, meet his family and spend time together, but once he got back he changed his mind and flat out said 'I dont want you to ever come here'. So as you can imagine I was completely confused.. upset, and to make matters worse I found out he'd been talking to this girl who's a friend of a friend of mine that he'd met while he was here who was just completely awful. So that hurt.. and to put a long story short we didn't talk for about 3 years. He blocked me and wouldn't communicate with me at all.
3 years pass, and he turns up, living in another country with a girl he met online. after his Father threw him out for punching him one night when he was drunk. She was drop dead gorgeous and I'll be honest I was jealous as hell. But he started to call me up, most of the time drunk, and he'd tell me how he was unhappy, how he didn't understand the language, he couldn't work because of that and how he just felt useless. He also had some health issues that I don't really want to get into but I could relate to it in a way so he'd tell me about it. Things started to feel like they used to, and slowly but surely my feelings started to reappear and he left the country to come back home.
This was about.. just over 2 years ago now. He would phone me up, mainly on a weekend, ask how I was, my family, if I was seeing anybody, if I was he'd poke fun at them and stuff. Then suddenly out of the blue one night when he called, he admitted to me that when we were younger, when I had said that I had feelings for him, and he said that he didn't feel the same way, he said that it was all a lie because he was scared to get close to anybody, he said that he would always compare those feelings for me to feelings he had to other girls and none of them had compared, he basically told me everything that I've ever wanted to hear come out of his mouth for the past 10+ years all in one night.
Then the next day, he completely ignored me.. he said that he remembered everything but Im not so sure.. he then publicly started flirting with this girl who Ill call.. Casey. Again, she was just awful, and I was just so hurt and angry I just cut him out, blocked his number, blocked him on all my social media, email, everything.. Until it was Christmas, and I let him back in like an idiot.
Now were in the present, last Thursday to be exact.. He called me up, told me how much he missed me, he offered to pay for me to come see him because he lives quite a way away, we were on video chat talking and he was saying how beautiful he thought I looked because I've recently dyed my hair Auburn from dark brown, he said how it made my eyes look even more green, he was saying how my lips looked amazing and how he wanted to kiss me.. he was basically chasing me. Like the idiot I am I believed him.
The next day I went out on a whim and made the effort for us to see each other, for him to keep palming me off all day long.. it got to around 1am and it was obvious he wasnt interested so i text him saying I can tell your busy, its fine, im going to sleep, he then responded with ''Preoccupied, getting laid''. And this hit a nerve so bad.. So I said to him well its nice to no how much I meen to you, I've been sat waiting all night for you like a f'ing idiot, hope she was worth it and he replied ''yes it was''. He then apologized to me ten minutes later, said he was on his way home and was going to live stream because he did promise me.. He did but it was so awkward.. he couldnt look me in the eye and it was just heartbreaking. I made an excuse and left.
The next day he never said a word to me.. So i tried to remain positive, tried not to think about him, but as I was getting ready for bed that night, something popped up on my facebook feed, the 'Casey' girl had posted on his wall like.. 20+ hours before, saying ''OMG HOW DARE YOU NOT LIVE STREAM''.. clearly taking the piss out of me. He had liked it, and so had a bunch of his friends.. so I called him out on it.
''I wasn't going to say anything, but what was put on your fb wall last night has just come up on my feed, im not sure if its aimed at me and what happened last night, it seems pretty obvious it is, but either way, its one thing having you taking the piss out of me when im really upset, but some stupid girl, who doesnt even no me, and on facebook? It wasnt about the live stream, it was the fact you sat up till 3am the previous night telling me how much you missed me and wanted me to come see you, and like an idiot i believed you and went out on a whim and made the effort for that to happen for you to palm me off so you could go shag some moron girl like per usual. I cant tell you how much this has upset me, i'm not like them girls you fuck about with in [his home town], i'm supposed to be your friend, a friend you've known since you were 11 who's been there for you through everything! Next time you get drunk and your feeling lonely and shit, dont bother calling me again in done''.
He didn't even answer me back.. which is SO unlike him, He would argue with anyone, about anything, especially if he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, so his silence spoke a 1000 words to me.. He then unfriended me etc on everything.. and I was just heartbroken. He picked her over me? So I went ahead and I blocked him, I couldnt stand the thought of him thinking he had won. We've fallen out in the past, and I've always let him back in each and every time because of my feelings for him, but this is the first time he's ever been purposely spiteful.. and cruel.
I've been in love with him since we were kids, I'd do anything for him, and he knows that.. I could sit and tell him till Im blue in the face and he would still go and pick some moron girl over me. I just feel like such an idiot.. and I have no idea what to think or how to feel anymore about anything.. I'm telling you guys because I know the majority of you wont judge me. I just dont no what to do..
COMMENTS
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DamionxApocalypse
02:30 Jun 20 2016
i understand how you feel
SimpleMan
04:18 Jun 20 2016
I can understand how this feels as well. No judgement for being honest.
KirstyMarie
12:56 Jun 20 2016
What do I do then..? Do I try and fight for it, or do I just cut him off as being a toxic person? :(
WishBone
23:57 Jun 20 2016
that is wild for sure, i would say move on and move along to someone better
slipknotbabe356
19:25 Jun 28 2016
Honestly at this point you are better off just cutting him out of your life completely. This guy seems to be a very toxic human being and seems to like to take advantage of you emotionally because he knows that you like him. That right there isn't right or a nice thing to do to someone. You clearly deserve much better.